compassofmyheart

Well, here I am in an oddly comfortable, dream fulfilled point in my life. How did I get here? I have no idea. I couldn’t have foreseen this nor planned it better myself.

I waited……and what I mean by “waited” isn’t what you might initially associate with the word. #1. I laid low……#2. I accepted anything that came at with me with an eventual calm and true peace to my core……………and the hardest part—#3. I was truly grateful for it all, the good, the bad and the ugly.

1. I laid low: I rested because my health was for shit for a while. I voraciously read……self-help, natural health, philosophical, new age, spiritual literature and followed these books, articles, memoirs into other fine works through citations I stumbled upon within. I followed them…….I followed every rabbit hole I came across. I followed them unless something in my heart, my soul said, “No, that’s crap….” And that information, that rubbish I would put down. You can feel the truth in your body. It makes you lighter, clearer, more enthusiastic, curious, more connected with others, more authentically you. Untruths or information that is not meant for you brings you fogginess, confusion, a scrunched up face, questions you fear have no answers, a murkiness and heaviness inside, and takes you away from your true self and others. It feels cold and pervasive, yet we sometimes continue to read and absorb these ideas much like you cannot look away at the scene of an accident. And they take you farther and farther away from who you really are, who you want to be, who you can be.

As I laid low, I considered my life—my physical health and my spiritual health. Based on the information I had absorbed, I tried to decipher the mysteries of my past, those things in my life that were less than I had hoped for, the things that I felt powerless about, and why relationships had turned out the way they had or why some people in my life were so difficult to get along with. Realizations came raining down……the consequences of choices made with the wrong heart, things I didn’t want in my life given so much energy and attention that they couldn’t help but be a big part of my life, my loved ones not acting toward me but Re-acting to me……and so I learned to make loving choices. I learned to set my attention, praise, and love on things I wanted to increase in my life, and I learned how to interact with rather than react to my loved ones.

2. I accepted anything that came at with me with an eventual calm and true peace to the core of my soul: One of my realizations was that the more I would push or try to force a situation to go like I wanted it to, the more difficult the path and the less satisfying it turned out. Something as simple as trying to find just the right rug for the house can be used as an illustration.  I would search the world over…..finding nothing that was “just right”. But of course, when not searching for a rug….maybe I already gave in and got one I sorta liked….or finally gave up…whatever the case may be…that’s when I would find the perfect rug at the perfect price. So as I recognized this pattern in my life of grasping, pushing, pulling, and wanting what I wanted when I wanted it.  This attitude resulted in conflicts, stress, and a waste of time and money. I stepped back to take a look at it from a removed place. I started waiting…….When a problem cropped up, I waited. When I needed something I couldn’t find, I waited. When I had a problem with a relationship, I waited. Revelation—success! The problem would resolve itself, a way out of it would be revealed, a relationship would be healed. I am not talking about complete non-action, but waiting….. If you are in that frame of mind that feels like you are hitting your head against a wall (or want to), that feeling…..that stress…….that’s when you wait. ……Until…….? Until that feeling clears —then do, then say….

Let me give you the smallest version of this concept that I believe everyone can relate to. Friends are talking about a new movie, who plays in it?, the guy off of ___-whatever, oh yeah, what’s his name?, man, I can’t think of it, it will come to me…….and so on. If you stay in that state of mind —wracking your brain trying so hard to remember….you might never remember. It always comes when you give up, get distracted, or just don’t care anymore. Weird huh? Why is that?  I really don’t know, but I will tell you what I think…….and his can apply from the scale of trying to remember the name of the fourth Beatle or trying to figure out how you are going to get home to New York from Seattle and you don’t have a thin dime to your name, no one to call, and you have 2 days to get there or all of the stuff from your apartment will be put into the street. Here is what I think: I think the stressed, egotistical, controlling, frantic, reaching mind is blocked. Blocked from receiving—good ideas, divine intervention, insight, love, order, etc. It is clamped down like snapping turtle on a stick in a summer drought. You aren’t going anywhere….like a raft in a whirlpool……….the situation is swirling in the known……but the answer isn’t in the known. It’s down river and you have to get there to receive. Calm acceptance is the answer…..after that occurs…..the river is yours.

3. ….and the hardest part—I was truly grateful for it all: If you are a spiritual person and you believe that God is watching out for you, guiding you, and wants the best possible outcome for you, you believe in grace. Grace is God’s favor, deserved or not—God did not bring you into His kingdom to remain as you are, but to grow (see 2 Peter 3:18). Let’s take baby steps for example. When a baby learns to walk, he inevitably stumbles and falls. In fact, it is this stumbling and falling that eventually teaches a baby how to walk. We are all like little babies in our adult lives. We are learning and hopefully growing daily to be the best person we can be. This doesn’t happen without struggle. If we are living the status quo….happy to crawl or sit, we will not learn and grow. So………….we suffer trials and tribulations (usually born of our own doing in truth). And God watches……and waits. He watches to see if we will dash ourselves against the rocks in desperation like a fish out of water or if we will wait for the relief of cool water that comes in the form of divine intervention or guidance. He waits until we can receive. Is our reaction one of calm conviction or chaotic floundering?

Obviously, this is not a “one and done” process. It is growth and learning……sometimes I don’t realize I am in the “vortex” until several additional problems have been added to the initial one and of course I hit my forehead with the heel of my hand and say, “Duh!” However, as I continue to grow, there are less “duhs” and more “ahhhhs” of gratitude and relief. And for those I am so thankful……